Thank God

by George Ǝ. Wagoner

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about

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Will there be cigarettes in Heaven?
If it's true, I'll have to bum one from the Lord
'Cause you know a pack of cigarettes in Heaven
Must be just way too expensive to afford

Then we could hang out the back gate smoking
'Cause we're both just so goddamn bored
And if they really do got cigarettes in Heaven
Then that would be some eternal reward

Now I'm not cryin' for no one religion
Where I'll end up when I die I cannot tell
But I might be more opinionated on the subject
If I even had a soul left to sell

But if there ain't no LSD, cocaine or liquor
If they're all out of marijuana then oh, well
Smoking cigarettes in Heaven with Jesus
Would sure beat vaporizing down here in Hell . . .

I'm sure the Devil's chewin' Nicorette in Hell

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credits

released 04 December 2014

Acoustic Guitar & Vocals: George Ǝ. Wagoner

Photography: CPC

Agradecimiento Especial: Travis Jarrett @ Missional Media


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Track Name: Grandma
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(Now I never wished nothing bad on nobody but . . .)

I can't wait 'til Grandma to dies
She's giving off those neurotic vibes
And it makes me want to drive railroad spikes into my eyes
Oh, I just can't wait 'til Grandma finally dies!

She's terrified of tunnels
She's always scared of bears
She watches Maury Povich all day in her rocking chair
She's caused her poor dog Jackson to lick off all his hair
She's been diagnosed with cancer but she never goes nowhere

I can't wait 'til Grandma to dies
Her nervous disposition is something I despise
She's the reason Robin Williams committed suicide
No, I just can't wait 'til Grandma finally dies!

She smokes 20 cigarettes a day
And 500 cigarettes an hour
That's almost 60 cigarettes a minute and she never takes a shower
But she got a spray-on tan so that Melecio would plow her
She never was too sweet, but now she's completely sour

Oh, I can't wait 'til Grandma dies
She's stressing me out with her paranoid replies
How long will it take for her to realize
That we all can't wait for her to finally die?!

Now some time has gone by since I first wrote this song
And as you've probably guessed dear ol' Grandma's dead and gone
You might think I'd be happy now but there's still something wrong
And it's worse than I suspected because she's been there all along

Now I can't wait for Mommy to DIE!!!

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Track Name: Cigarettes in Heaven
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Will there be cigarettes in Heaven?
If it's true, I'll have to bum one from the Lord
'Cause you know a pack of cigarettes in Heaven
Must be just way too expensive to afford

Then we could hang out the back gate smoking
'Cause we're both just so goddamn bored
And if they really do got cigarettes in Heaven
Then that would be some eternal reward

Now I'm not cryin' for no one religion
Where I'll end up when I die I cannot tell
But I might be more opinionated on the subject
If I even had a soul left to sell

But if there ain't no LSD, cocaine or liquor
If they're all out of marijuana then oh, well
Smoking cigarettes in Heaven with Jesus
Would sure beat vaporizing down here in Hell . . .

I'm sure the Devil's chewin' Nicorette in Hell

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Track Name: My Three Wishes
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I wish I was a cigarette so Mommy would love me
She'd greet me first thing in the morning
And always think of me
She'd light me up and never put me down
And she'd smoke and puff me
I wish I was a cigarette so Mommy would love me

I wish I had the internet so Mommy won't bug me
'Cause she's always walking back and forth
And creeping up on me
She'd see I was pre-occupied
And leave me alone 'cause she
Thinks I'm on the internet so Mommy won't bug me

I wish I was a Mexican so Mommy would fuck me
She'd take me out in her convertible
And pretend I'm Poppy
She'd bring me quesadillas in bed
And act proud of me
Good thing I'm not a Mexican
So Mommy won't fuck me

I wish I was a cigarette so Mommy would love me
She'd greet me first thing in the morning
And always think of me
She'd light me up and never put me down
And she'd smoke and puff me
I wish I was a cigarette so Mommy would love me

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Track Name: Mama had a Cigarette in her Hand
On my 2nd day of school I was running out the door
When I turned around and caught a cigarette burn
On my face like once before
And when that social worker asked me,
"Georgie, how'd you get that little brand?"
I told her, "Mama had a cigarette in her hand."

She smoked two packs everyday and my wheezing just got louder
And when the doctor told her I had asthma
She blamed it on baby powder
But whenever I couldn't breathe
She'd come and hook up my nebulizer stand
And she did it with a cigarette in her hand

Mama had a cigarette in her hand
But she's always done the best that she can
And she makes me feel guilty
But I'll never understand
Why she always had a cigarette in her hand

Now it's been 15 years since Poppy died
And I still think about him often
But you know, the only time I don't remember him choking
Was when I saw him in his coffin
But I'll never forget when Mama turned to me
And she said, "Now son, there lies a good man."
Then she went over and put a cigarette in his hand

Mama had a cigarette in her hand
But she's always done the best that she can
And she makes me feel guilty
But I can't quite understand
Why she always had a cigarette in her hand

Mama's got a cigarette in her hand . . .
Track Name: Special Agent Lesbian of the FBI
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This is an in-vitro investigation
From the Federal Bureau of Insemination
And it's gonna be conducted by
Special Agent Lesbian of the FBI

Now I'm not sayin'
That she's a money waster
But they could've just used a turkey baster
Still them test tube babies came out all right
Thanks to Agent Lesbian of the FBI

She always gets her man . . .
She always gets her man . . .
Even though she's not a man . . .
She always gets her man . . .
She's in the FBI . . .
'Cause she thinks she's a guy!

This is an in-vitro investigation
From the Federal Bureau of Insemination
And it's gonna be conducted by
Special Agent Lesbian of the FBI

Yeah, I know my sweetheart
Will sleep safe tonight
Next to Agent Lesbian of that FBI

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Track Name: Danny Brown's Good Name
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Danny Brown only shot himself in his head
But now his daughter has nightmares,
Nightmares in which he's turning red
She says he has eight arms
And fills her with fear
He pins her down and whispers to her
It's so hot down here

Danny Brown only shot himself in his brain
Because I never loved him
As much as Kurt Cobain
That must have made him jealous
And Dawn made him insane
I sure do hope, Danny Brown, that my actions
Haven't given you a bad name

You only shot yourself in your mind

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