========================================= (Now I never wished nothing bad on nobody but . . .) I can't wait 'til Grandma to dies She's giving off those neurotic vibes And it makes me want to drive railroad spikes into my eyes Oh, I just can't wait 'til Grandma finally dies! She's terrified of tunnels She's always scared of bears She watches Maury Povich all day in her rocking chair She's caused her poor dog Jackson to lick off all his hair She's been diagnosed with cancer but she never goes nowhere I can't wait 'til Grandma to dies Her nervous disposition is something I despise She's the reason Robin Williams committed suicide No, I just can't wait 'til Grandma finally dies! She smokes 20 cigarettes a day And 500 cigarettes an hour That's almost 60 cigarettes a minute and she never takes a shower But she got a spray-on tan so that Melecio would plow her She never was too sweet, but now she's completely sour Oh, I can't wait 'til Grandma dies She's stressing me out with her paranoid replies How long will it take for her to realize That we all can't wait for her to finally die?! Now some time has gone by since I first wrote this song And as you've probably guessed dear ol' Grandma's dead and gone You might think I'd be happy now but there's still something wrong And it's worse than I suspected because she's been there all along Now I can't wait for Mommy to DIE!!! =========================================

========================================= Will there be cigarettes in Heaven? If it's true, I'll have to bum one from the Lord 'Cause you know a pack of cigarettes in Heaven Must be just way too expensive to afford Then we could hang out the back gate smoking 'Cause we're both just so goddamn bored And if they really do got cigarettes in Heaven Then that would be some eternal reward Now I'm not cryin' for no one religion Where I'll end up when I die I cannot tell But I might be more opinionated on the subject If I even had a soul left to sell But if there ain't no LSD, cocaine or liquor If they're all out of marijuana then oh, well Smoking cigarettes in Heaven with Jesus Would sure beat vaporizing down here in Hell . . . I'm sure the Devil's chewin' Nicorette in Hell =========================================

========================================= I wish I was a cigarette so Mommy would love me She'd greet me first thing in the morning And always think of me She'd light me up and never put me down And she'd smoke and puff me I wish I was a cigarette so Mommy would love me I wish I had the internet so Mommy won't bug me 'Cause she's always walking back and forth And creeping up on me She'd see I was pre-occupied And leave me alone 'cause she Thinks I'm on the internet so Mommy won't bug me I wish I was a Mexican so Mommy would fuck me She'd take me out in her convertible And pretend I'm Poppy She'd bring me quesadillas in bed And act proud of me Good thing I'm not a Mexican So Mommy won't fuck me I wish I was a cigarette so Mommy would love me She'd greet me first thing in the morning And always think of me She'd light me up and never put me down And she'd smoke and puff me I wish I was a cigarette so Mommy would love me =========================================

On my 2nd day of school I was running out the door When I turned around and caught a cigarette burn On my face like once before And when that social worker asked me, "Georgie, how'd you get that little brand?" I told her, "Mama had a cigarette in her hand." She smoked two packs everyday and my wheezing just got louder And when the doctor told her I had asthma She blamed it on baby powder But whenever I couldn't breathe She'd come and hook up my nebulizer stand And she did it with a cigarette in her hand Mama had a cigarette in her hand But she's always done the best that she can And she makes me feel guilty But I'll never understand Why she always had a cigarette in her hand Now it's been 15 years since Poppy died And I still think about him often But you know, the only time I don't remember him choking Was when I saw him in his coffin But I'll never forget when Mama turned to me And she said, "Now son, there lies a good man." Then she went over and put a cigarette in his hand Mama had a cigarette in her hand But she's always done the best that she can And she makes me feel guilty But I can't quite understand Why she always had a cigarette in her hand Mama's got a cigarette in her hand . . .

========================================= This is an in-vitro investigation From the Federal Bureau of Insemination And it's gonna be conducted by Special Agent Lesbian of the FBI Now I'm not sayin' That she's a money waster But they could've just used a turkey baster Still them test tube babies came out all right Thanks to Agent Lesbian of the FBI She always gets her man . . . She always gets her man . . . Even though she's not a man . . . She always gets her man . . . She's in the FBI . . . 'Cause she thinks she's a guy! This is an in-vitro investigation From the Federal Bureau of Insemination And it's gonna be conducted by Special Agent Lesbian of the FBI Yeah, I know my sweetheart Will sleep safe tonight Next to Agent Lesbian of that FBI =========================================

========================================= Danny Brown only shot himself in his head But now his daughter has nightmares, Nightmares in which he's turning red She says he has eight arms And fills her with fear He pins her down and whispers to her It's so hot down here Danny Brown only shot himself in his brain Because I never loved him As much as Kurt Cobain That must have made him jealous And Dawn made him insane I sure do hope, Danny Brown, that my actions Haven't given you a bad name You only shot yourself in your mind =========================================